Grief
by gracefulfallen
Summary: They all handled grief differently, and Alanna's became rage... Written for Goldenlake's SMACKDOWN competition, going on now!


Title: Grief  
Rating: PG/PG-13 for a bit of language and some dark subject matter.  
Length: 1,316  
Competitor: Alanna  
Round/Fight: 1/H  
Summary: They all handled grief differently, and Alanna's became rage...

Written for Goldenlake's SMACKDOWN competition, going on right now! Check out my profile for a link to it.

* * *

AN: I recently dealt with the death of a close friend, and needed a way to explore the process of grieving. This is number 1 of 3, and by far the saddest. There's character death. Fair warning.

* * *

Kel's jaw ached from clenching it so tightly for so long. The muscles were spasming. She did not honestly know if she could open it to speak anymore. Even if she could she wasn't sure she knew how. Nothing seemed right in this moment.

The door to the room creaked slowly open. "May I come in?" The voice was gruff and slightly choked.

"Yes, all right." Kel couldn't even look up, just started blankly ahead and massaged her recently healed arm. It was still sore where the mace had turned the bone to powder, and it would take a while yet to finish healing, what with…

She realized someone was saying her name and looked up as if from far away. She was in her quarters at New Hope, she realized. She was sitting on her military cot, dressed in her formal military attire. It was mid-afternoon. "I should be teaching the children." The words fell dully from her mouth, but Kel hardly realized she spoke. "It's two-o-clock. They're waiting for me."

Violet eyes stared at her in a weather-roughened face. The woman's hair brushed her shoulders in a disobedient mass of gray streaked red and waves. The fine wrinkles to either side of the woman's eyes were deepened today by suppressed emotion. That got Kel's attention as it was rare for the Lioness to hold back any of her feelings. Slowly, tortuously, Kel managed to focus long enough to meet the older woman's eyes.

"Kel. You've got to come back to us." Alanna placed her hands her hands on Kel's shoulders. Absent hazel eyes struggled to focus on violet. "Everyone's worried about you, Mindelan. Fanche practically dragged me from the guest quarters to come talk to you. No wonder the bandits daren't hit you here. That woman could hold off a line of berserkers by will alone." Alanna gave a ghastly attempt at a smile before abandoning it. It was doing neither of them any good.

Kel furrowed her brow in concentration, trying to follow Alanna's words. She wasn't used to feeling slow, but there was something wrong and she needed to focus. "Why are you being so nice?" That was it – she had finally put her finger on what was so strange. She watched the woman's lips compress, her eyes closing and opening again as she exhaled once sharply.

"Keladry." Alanna struggled to keep her voice gentle. She was practically pleading, and she didn't know if it would do any good. "You've got to come back, Kel. We need you back here. New Hope needs you, and Tobe. Fanche. The children, and Merric."

Alanna raised a hand as if to touch Kel's face, then instead pushed cropped brown bangs out of hazel eyes. "I know this is hard, Kel. Gods, I know it is…" Her voice broke for a moment, then she continued unwavering, "but it's a moment you have to face." The blank look in Kel's eyes was almost more than Alanna could bear. She felt herself breaking, her composure slipping.

"Come on, Kel. Lets go get something to eat. Your boy says you haven't eaten in days and he's worried. We all are." Her voice cracked and she was unable to keep a few tears from leaking from her eyes.

Kel frowned at her, unsure as to why the Lioness was crying. None-the-less the woman was trying to get her to stand and leave, and Kel _couldn't_ leave. "No, Lady Alanna. I can't go – Neal said he would meet me back here, and I told him I would wait." She nodded earnestly up at Alanna, not unreasonably she thought.

Pain welled up uncontrollably in Alanna and she lost all her semblance of calm composure. "Gods all damn it, Mindelan! Snap out of it!" Alanna's eyes blazed and she shook Kel's shoulders, hard. Kel's eyes were wide in her face and she stared up at Alanna, not understanding the woman's anger. "_He's dead, Kel_. Neal is dead. He isn't coming back to meet you and you know better."

Kel was shaking her head and it goaded the older woman further. "Don't shake your head at me, curse you! You're a knight of the realm, so start acting like one." She was being harsh – the girl could hardly help being in shock, and the healers had said this was a natural part of grief. Well, they all handled grief differently and Alanna's became rage.

She snapped.

"I never thought I'd see the day Keladry of Mindelan, Protector of the Small would sit on her bunk and hide from her problems like a child." She shoved herself away from Kel and paced back in forth in front of the cot. Kel's look of hurt was like blood to a scent hound, and Alanna slammed her hands down on the bedside table. "Yet here you are, ignoring your responsibilities and forcing Merric to run this camp."

Alanna's rage was doing something that no amount of coddling could have. Kel felt as if her mind was clear for the first time in a week, and she was ashamed. She had never felt the rough side of the Lioness' tongue, but it had woken her up. "This is selfish and self-indulgent, Mindelan."

Kel nodded firmly, her voice finally back to a semblance of normal. "You're absolutely right, Lady Alanna."

Alanna didn't seem to hear her, though. She was pacing more frantically now, running her hands through her hair feverishly. "We have responsibilities to the people under us. We guide them and we teach them. It's our duty to make sure they have what they need."

Her voice cracked and tears leaked down her lined face. "It's our responsibility to teach them what they need to know. It's our responsibility to make sure they can keep themselves alive." She was yelling again, and crying without restraint. Kel was crying too and couldn't stop herself.

"Alanna…" Kel stood suddenly and pulled the older woman against her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. Alanna fought her, slammed her fists against Kel's chest, but Kel took the blows without fighting them. "Gods damn it! Gods damn him, and damn me!" Her voice was hoarse and breaking, and it was a struggle to understand her words as she sobbed into Kel's chest, still struggling to strike the taller woman. "I should have taught him better. If I'd been more thorough… I failed him."

Kel was crying uncontrollably now too, her voice just as choked. "If I'd only been quicker, or sent a scout ahead…" Alanna reached up, placing a hand on the back of Kel's neck and pulled Kel's head down to her own, resting her forehead against the other woman's.

They stood there for some time like that, crying and taking comfort in a shared burden. Finally Alanna stepped back out of Kel's embrace, wearily wiping her eyes. "I'm alright now." She looked up into hazel eyes with frank concern. "Are you?"

When Kel nodded, Alanna raised her eyebrows until she received a verbal, "I'm sure."

Alanna placed a calloused hand on the side of Kel's cheek, looking into those shadowed eyes. It was hard to maintain the glance, but this was important – perhaps one of the most important things Kel would ever need to learn.

"We have duties to this realm, Kel and to the people serving under us. We try to do right by them, but sometimes we fail. Do right by them now. Get off your bed and go be a commander. We grieve on our own time."

Sir Alanna nodded once to her former Squire's best friend, then turned to walk out the door. Kel caught her hand as she went, pulling her back for a moment and squeezing the hand once before letting her exit. Lady Knight Keladry straightened her tunic, washed her face and then emerged into the afternoon sun, bound for the children's practice yards.


End file.
